What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 06:19
And who doesn’t know suffering?
What did i know ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One cannot live in the past .
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
What was something inappropriate a member of your family caught you doing?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Especially a lifetime of it.
She married twice! .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
All the time i was locked up.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ive learnt so much.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was very sick at this time too.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i lived it daily.
We were not on the streets..
But it wasn’t much.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I feel like my boyfriend doesn't love me. Why?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What do you remember that 95% of us have forgotten?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Would this be the day?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was in good health!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was 9 years of age.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She wouldn,t have been !
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I never cut or harmed myself..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I think the readers, may guess!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But, we were locked up after school.
I write beautiful poetry .
Why did i forgive my father ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I said to her
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Comes on , in middle age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My life is so biszare .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So whats the point in blame.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Was to survive, this bastard.
We all went to grammer schools
So, i spoilt her more .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I have no regrets .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I will be 64.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I couldn’t, believe it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
When she asked me how she looked .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was seconnd youngest,
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is soul school!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I waited trembling.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I don,t even have a pension.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im still living with it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I could never make a relationship work though!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But ive been too sick for many years..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was scared of men, in general
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She loved him until the end.
It was going to be , some day.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Who then, do I blame.?
My family never makes their pension either.
She found it foreign!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He knew the spot.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!